Losing Myself

Everyone in this world always needs to pass through something that they thought they couldn’t get through. Being adulthood and growing up is one of the difficult things to pass through. The journey that I had during the past two years is the most incredible moment full with ups and downs, emotionally unstable, depression and anxiety. The best thing that come out from those moments is I found myself after completely losing myself and I realized who I have become and who I want to be in the future. I don’t know about how other people get through the transaction between who they were and who they are about to be. Well, this is my story.

This would be series of events that I had in the past two years. But the starting chapter is about losing myself. Since I can write it down every single thing that I have felt, every single mistake that I have learned, every emotional breakdown that I have encountered, I can ensure you that I am getting back on the right track now. The only reason that I write down here is I want to let it all out. I don’t want to hold it in my mind and in my heart anymore. It is time to take it off from my shoulders.

Losing myself started when I broke up with my boyfriend. There is one saying said “There are two types of pains in the world. The pain that hurt you and the pain that change you”. Well, I faced these two types of pain from only one case. I never saw that was coming into me. I thought everything was right and perfect and I might be living in the fairy tale which I had always pictured in my mind. Those things fell apart steadily and slowly. It is not easy to think about what happened exactly at that time to write down here in this chapter because I tried so hard to vanish those memories from my mind long time ago. But as I believe those memories are less impactful to me, I decide to go back to what it all started.

I met someone that I loved when I was 25. The story just began like the one in the movie that I used to watch. I completely fell in love head over heels with him. I pictured my future life with him as I thought we would be together forever. I remembered how reminded myself that my life was blessed cos I had someone that I could love eternally and unconditionally whenever I woke up in the morning. I am not saying loving someone is not good. Loving someone is really good. There’s only two types of people in this world. One is taker and another one is giver. Being giver is the most blessing thing that would ever happen to any human kinds. So, when you find someone that you can love unconditionally, eternally or completely, you find yourselves loving giving something to them that they need.

If I say I couldn’t recall the times that I was with him, it would be totally a lie. I still can even recall small thing that happened between us. I am a person who is extremely good at keeping the memories and that was the biggest problem that I overcame after I broke up with him. The things that I would write here is very personal for me. But I would like to let it out because holding those things inside of me burden me a lot and sometimes I cannot let go of the things which are supposed to let it go since in the beginning of the end of relationship. I was totally heartbroken at that time.

I didn’t know that we would break up for real right after the video call. We were maintaining the long distance relationship to work out during that time. But a person who was extremely busy at that time was him and a person who was waiting for the time to have a video call was me and a person who complained for not getting enough attention was me too. I was little girl even I was 27 at that time. So, things just fell apart and I couldn’t accept the fact that we called it quit by not saying goodbye to each other. I wished he and I could say goodbye in appropriate way to keep the good things between us for our memories. But it didn’t happen like that all. The ending was ugly. Just cut it off right away.

Right after that video call, I felt something painful which I had never felt before. My gut and instinct told me that it was the last call between us and he would move on with someone else in future. I tried to keep the relationship and I even tried to go to the city where he was working at that time. I was like a fool at that time. That was my first ever breakup and first ever heartbroken experience. I cried every single night. I didn’t drink alcohol before that breakup but I started drinking.

All I knew was we were never ever getting back together and that was the main thing that made me painful and sleepless at night. I was wishing him the best but the best was only with me. Looking back to those days right now, I was too selfish to wish like that. I always say that experience is my wake up call. That woke me up from having the unrealistic dreams and made me put more than 100% to living the life that I ever wanted to be. I was so devastated and depressed.

I was about to join to the company where I used to work before with bigger position. I was confused at that time to join back because there would be memories that would haunt me back when I joined back. But deep down in my heart, I was hoping to see him again and ask the question to him why he left without the trace.

I made the big move in my life by taking the role that I was offered. I went to Bangkok to meet with regional CEO at that time. During the meeting, he said one thing. “Yadanar, there was someone who joined to regional team as regional retail director. That woman is 50 years old and she looks so young.  You know what she did before she joined us? She travelled around the world solo in her 50s after quitting the previous job. She is living a quiet life and she only has one dog. She is not married nor has kid. The reason I am telling you about her is I am seeing you would become that kind of person.”

My jaw dropped when he brought up about that woman that I never met. I was so devastated when he told me about that 50 years old woman who travelled solo around the world. I just recently broke up and was still having the dream to get married to my former beau and have kids. I loved kids and I loved the idea of having kids. I never thought about living a life alone with one dog and travelling solo around the world. I never met that woman outside but slowly and steadily the way she lived inspired me.

The first thing I realized to do after the breakup is thinking that it’s time to be the big girl. Throughout my life, all I ever wanted is to be independent girl who makes her own living like a big girl. So, I realized that it’s about time. I pushed myself so hard not to think about my failed relationship. Instead of that I pressured myself to put the effort in growing up and learning. I put all of my energy and time into my new job and I pictured myself big. Since the responsibility that I was dealing at that time was much more bigger than the responsibility that I used to deal with, I put myself so hard to focus only on my career. This is what I am still doing and it is still working. Without this job, I would be losing completely and maybe ending up in mental hospital now.

I started working out at gym for the first time in my life and I love it. I focused on having healthy mind rather than strong physical body type. I decided to bring the best out of this breakup. I started buying self-help books, and biography books of the people that I always admired. The number of books that I read during 2017 is equal to the number of books that I read between 2013 and 2016. I was busy but I always tried time to read because I felt that I was changing. I was changing into the better person and to the person that I always wanted to be.

At first, it was so hard for me to accept the person that I have become. I was super emotional person who was with low self-esteem before. But getting into the bigger role for six months changed me into more logical person. I got more confidence in what I was doing. But I didn’t have confidence in being who I was. It’s different. I only had confidence in the things that I was doing but I didn’t have enough confidence in being who I was. Then I realized I had to work so hard to have self-confidence.

But things just fell apart in last week of August 2017 after I had car crash. The strange thing happened before the car crash was I was seeing myself involved in car crash before the actual happening. I was seeing that scene once I got into the car in the morning for a week. It sounds scary. Right? Seeing myself in the car crash like the movie Final Destination. It was so close to get more intense injury to my body. I was so devastated and couldn’t help but cried a lot on that night. Suddenly, I felt that something was getting totally wrong inside of me.I was emotionally broken down again but it was not related to my failed relationship, it was totally related to my mental health.

I want to take this opportunity to say sorry to my former beau for being extremely emotional when I was with him. Breaking up is another story. But being emotional is what I should say sorry because I know how I behaved when I was emotional. I hate a person that I was when I was 25 and 26. Since my personality changed from being emotional to more logical person gradually, I completely understood how he felt when I was being emotional when I was not too young.

Based on my experience, the worst thing to encounter is mental illness. I am not sure if I should call “metal illness” or not. Since after the car crash, I couldn’t focus on my work, I couldn’t focus on managing the team effectively, I couldn’t focus on my responsibility. The only that I wanted to do is running away from everything. It was so hard because I couldn’t find the words to open up to my close friends. I am sure they knew that there was something wrong with me. But they didn’t know what was wrong. Maybe they thought I was still suffering from the breakup. Well, yes! I suffered nearly two years of that breakup.

Since my mind was losing, I faced the terrible health problem. I had ovary cyst and due to that cyst, I faced the wrong menstrual cycle. When I was suffering the symptoms, I googled about the symptoms and I found that it was cancer. No one knew how scared I was at that time. I was super scared. I didn’t tell anyone about that but kept thinking if I had cancer. It took two weeks to check up with doctor for me. I was so afraid to see the doctor because I was worried what if they told me that I had cancer. I lost 6 pounds and the total weight that I had was only 92 pounds when I went to see the doctor.

Thankfully, it was a cyst and it might need minor surgery. But be more sure, the doctor suggested me to check ultrasound again. I asked the doctor several times if it was cancer in her medical checkup room, she assured me that it was no cancer for several times. Since it was clear, I could breathe well for the first time during two months after car crash. I turned on club music in the car on the way back to my home from hospital. I remembered I was rapping Nicki Minaj’s super bass and Justin Timberlake’s Sexy Back on the way back home like nothing happened in the past two months.

After clearing the clouds about the health, I flew to Ngapali solo. They say if you would like to have self-confidence, you have to do something you are scared to do. So, I traveled solo for leisure which is one of the scariest things to do in my life. I never thought I would travel solo though. But I did and I loved it. Though I was scared at the night but I learned a lot about myself. Since it was a beach, I had nothing to do. But reflecting the moments and the things that I have done. Of cos Ngapali was the first trip that I went with my former beau. So, of cos, there was so many memories which I could recall. Then I realized that I couldn’t forget or run away from those memories. I was still loving him. So, it was impossible for me to hate him and forget him like I didn’t know him.

After I came back from trip, I focused on building up myself mentally strong. I did what I had to do. But my working life fell apart. It made me decide to resign and embark on new journey. I was very close to quit and leave the job that I loved. But there were two things that made me to stay at that job. First was regional management team, they changed the structure and the new structure was in my favorable part. Second was I found the book called “Onward by Howard Shultz”. That book is about Starbuck fell down in the fall of 2008 and how he struggled to build it up. It is amazing and it made me stay on the ground of the job that I love.

Well, now this part is about my worst part. How I was still stupid, how I was still stubborn to let go of the things and how I was dumb to hold on the things that I should have let go and how I was fool to have false expectation. I kicked myself on the ground again and I loved it because I could clear one thing at least to let go.

When my best friend, my soulmate married to the love of her life, I was maid of honor and I delivered the emotional speech at their wedding. I was so happy to see her smile on her wedding day. Their love story is the real love story which is more romantic than any other fictional stories. But right after her wedding, my feeling got mixed. Seeing them together got married made me wanna try again about my failed relationship. We just broke up without saying goodbye. Starting the relationship is like kind of signing on the contract. Two parties need to sign on the paper or agree verbally or written. I said goodbye by text but he didn’t say goodbye back to me. So, I was so stupid to think that he didn’t want to say goodbye to me cos he still loved me or had been waiting for me. So, I was wishing to meet him again and find out if we both were really meant to be apart or together. Oh god! I couldn’t learn how to let go of the things easily. Super naïve and stupid!

I paid the price for being too much attached to something that I should have never attached. Being dependable to someone for own happiness is the most miserable thing that I had ever felt. I flew to Bangkok in January 2018 to see if I was still in love with him. I am sure you know the answer. I was still in love. That’s funny. Every part of the place that I went around during that trip reminded me of him and how we were happy together.

But I didn’t see him as my instinct told me that he was with another one. I felt it. it was more than a year that we broke up. I pictured myself I passed out when I saw him with another girl. I went back to Yangon but I wanted to see him and ask him why he left without saying goodbye and why he didn’t say sorry to me. There’s one thing that I learned about myself which is very precious to know. I am always willing to try until the last minute, until there is no way to try. I knew that it was over. But I wanted to get confirmation and assurance of there was nothing to hold back.

I took a chance to see him face to face when I got a chance to go to Bangkok in February. The moment that I saw him was like a movie which I used to watch. When I saw him, I realized how much I loved him and how much I was still loving him. But I knew that he was with someone else. So, I asked for his confirmation. I couldn’t understand at that time that why he could find someone but I couldn’t even date with someone else after our breakup. I couldn’t understand how he could move on effortlessly but I was still picking up myself several times in a year. I was crying inside when he showed me his girlfriend’s photo. It was funny because it was me who requested him to show me his girlfriend’s photo if he was dating with someone. I could pretend that it was normal. Maybe he knew it. But still I didn’t cry in front of him. I didn’t know why. But I felt every piece of my heart was broken like the way I never felt before.

After getting the confirmation, I had to think about next step. I asked myself on that night what I would do next. I couldn’t figure it out. I didn’t know what to do for a moment. All I wanted to do is running into him and hugging him. I wanted to cry in front of him and ask how could he do this to me. I wanted to hold him forever and never let him go. I wanted to smell of his perfume which he bought when we started dating. I loved that smell. Sometimes when I missed him, I went to perfume store and smell that one for a moment. Sound crazy. Right? I know. I was crazy. But I don't do it anymore now.

All I remembered was I cried a lot. The second time was way more bitter than the first time because I found the answer and the answer was we broke up for real and we would never meet again. That hurt me. I realized that the person that I loved the most hurt me the most. That was disaster. I lost myself completely.

The saddest thing that I realized was I wrongly thought I was getting stronger and the foundation that I built in a year was stable. The foundation that I built couldn’t take the earthquake. So, I needed to dig deeper. Oh yeah, I didn’t delete our photos. I still don’t delete it but I just copied it all into hard disk by removing from my laptop after I came back from Bangkok. I just let myself to do whatever I wanted to do. My close friends suggested me to stay broken for a while to cure inner self. But if I let a person like me to stay broken for a while, I would commit suicide for sure. So, I picked up the pieces as quickly as possible. At that time, all I wish is to vanish his image from my mind forever.

But I learned a very precious lesson from that one. If I couldn’t hate that person, it’s ok not trying to hate him and it’s ok to love him. I asked myself if I truly loved him. The answer was yes, big yes. Then I reminded myself that we never wanted to see someone that we loved unhappy. And true love was not about possessing. It’s about wishing to see him happy by letting him go.  If he’s happy with his new life, I learned myself to be happy for him and I learned myself to find my own happiness again. 
All I wanted to do was finding the way to calm down my mind. It was almost more than a year and half, but I was still battling with depressions, anxiety, mental problems and emotionally brokendown. There were times I used to think the things that I believed were totally wrong. There were times that I used to be afraid of love. I was super scared to love someone else. I was guarded up myself by avoiding emotional engagement with anyone else. I was so afraid to get hurt. I was so afraid that I would never find myself and the true identity of me. At that moment, I understood that the saddest thing in life was not losing someone that I loved, the saddest thing in life was losing myself.

So, on March 4^th 2018, I made a vow to myself that I would find happiness on my own and dedicate myself to being better and better person which I always imagined since I was 17. I promised myself to be stronger and better. Realizing there was nothing holding me back made me decide all the decisions by putting myself first and my family. 
Next chapter is about finding myself. 
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