What I’ve learned from the worst trip in summer

I was being haunted by the scary moments which I had experienced during my summer vacation. It was a while that I lost sleep and couldn’t go back to normal after what happened in Bali. I went to Bali in April and I experienced the thing that I was so afraid to face. I was haunted by the ghost and I was pulled by the rip current. I didn’t enjoy fully during my summer vacation this year and I can even say that was the worst trip in my life. It took me to write that scary experience more than two months.

After I was rescued by the Indonesians from the rip current, I just realized that nothing in the world matters more than knowing that I was still alive. I thought I was dead in Indian ocean and said goodbye to my mom forever. I thought I would never have a chance to see the people that I loved. I thought I would never see the beautiful sunset again. I used to think that when it came to die, I wanted to die at the sunset time because I always loved to see the sunset and I always believed that sunset was the most beautiful time of the day. I wanted to rest my soul in that beautiful way. So, when I was caught by the rip current, it was during the beautiful sunset time, then that made me thought that was the last time that I could see the sunset in this life. I couldn’t move my legs in the sand. All I felt was the strong current pulled me back to the ocean and I couldn’t do anything. I cried out for help and I was so lucky to be saved by the Indonesians.  

I couldn’t recall how long I was struggling in the ocean. All I remembered was I closed my eyes and praying. I saw my mom’s face who was crying when she heard that I died. Once I saw my mom was crying in my eyes, I told myself not to give up and keep trying to escape. I was wishing those Indonesians could save me before I was drowning.

After a while, I felt that my body touched the sand and the sand was not sinking anymore. Then I opened my eyes and ran to the shore. I was running like a crazy person along the shore. I didn’t care if people looked at me strangely. All I wanted to do was to run away from the shore. I was looking for the place where I left my clothes. I was so panicked. The person who saved me ran behind me and showed me the place. I looked back at the shore whether my travel mate could make it or not. Then I saw her resting near the shore, I lied down on the sand. I still couldn’t believe that I made it. I wanted to cry but no more tears came out. All I felt was suffocating a lot and couldn’t breathe well.

Like the old times, it was so hard for me to get it over what happened. After we went back to the room, I called my mom and my best friend. I wanted to know whether I could hear the voice again or not and to make sure I was still alive. I couldn’t eat dinner. I was scared. I never felt that way before. I lost my confidence. I lost appetite. All I knew was I wanted to go back to Yangon and sleep beside my mom. 

I was walking around the street at Kuta Beach but my mind was in Yangon. I was thinking to stay with my family. I wanted to sleep beside my mom. The next day, we went to Ubud and I was not in the mood. I was counting the hours to go back. It was rare that I counted the hours to go back when I was on trip. It was only two times that I did it. The first is when I was in Bangkok in this year February. I was emotionally broken down because I hurt myself a lot. I cried almost every night that I stayed in Bangkok at that time. In the morning, I behaved like nothing happened in the regional meeting. I lost 4 lbs which I tried so hard to gain more than a year. I knew that I would attempt suicide if I stayed there like a week. I found myself so relief when I checked out from the hotel during my biggest mental breakdown.

The second time is in Bali and I couldn’t stop thinking that that would be my last trip. I thought that I would die by drowning or I would die by plane crash. I was never afraid of getting on the plane in the night time. But after I saw the news about Malaysia airline crash in Indian Ocean in 2013, I was always afraid of red eye flight. Since I needed to get on the plane from Bali to KL, my mind was convincing myself that I would have died in the ocean.

Then I learned something very precious lesson in my life. I totally accepted that my thought control my life and we always attract what we fear. When I say my thought control my life, I mean my unconscious mind control 80% of my life. Truth to be told, 80% of unconscious mind is negative and it always impacts badly on my life. Then I realized that I needed to change it. I would seek the way to change it. I have to seek the way to change it. Otherwise, my life would be in disaster.

The only positive thought that I always have is about my career and I am never afraid to get up even I fail several times. I don’t know where those confidence and courage come from when I deal with my career life. I always believe that future condition would be better than the current condition and current condition is always better than the previous condition. I was not very positive about my health before 2017. I believed that I would die by serious disease somehow. But I decided to change to think of that way and I have paid more attention to self-care and it works so far and I am glad to say that. I work out, I eat healthy, even I cannot eat during my emotional broken down time, I try to eat a bit to make my body healthy. I sleep well. I set up the strict routine on daily basis and I love to see the improvement of my health during a year and half.

Apart from that, I am negative person. I am not ashamed to say that. No one can hurt me as much as I hurt myself. I realize that fact recently and I would change it anyway. I reflect what happened during a year and half during these days because I know that I was not at normal condition.

Everything was alright before August 23^rd last year. I was trying so hard to build myself so strong before August 23^rd. I would never forget that date because I was physically and mentally broken down and since then, I found myself frequently broken down. I had car crash on that day and I depressed after what happened. I couldn’t stop thinking that I could have died when the taxi bumped into the car door the side where I was driving. After that car crash, I decided to go to Ngapali alone to cure myself. I thought I needed alone time. But going to Ngapali in September where the rain falls a bit was bad idea. 

But anyhow, I was trying to be positive about my mental condition. I was burned out in October due to my working life and I decided almost to give up. I was very indecisive to take a new chance in the new challenge. Deep down in my heart, I felt that something told me not to go because I was still loving what I was doing at my current job. That was my passion that I was still in love with. It was so hard to make the decision to turn down the new challenge.

Well, when it came to December, I traveled to Kayaw for one program shooting which I will never forget in my life. That was one of the best projects that I did during my career life and I am always proud of being able to accomplish it. That was my idea and inspired by Discovery channel program that I watched when I was young. I always wanted to travel and record the unknown places as documentary since I was very young. That dream came true in December and I met so many amazing people during the trip. That trip was very different from the trip that I used to take on.

After that trip, I found myself that I was really happy with my life again. I even wrote about it in my blog. I found myself that I was very positive again. Well, I am very curious person though. I decided to see if I really got over the thing that happened a year ago. So, I went to Bangkok to see if I was still being haunted by the past memories. I got on the plane in January to Bangkok to test myself. What a creepy decision that I ever made! That was tough trip and I found that I was not getting over. I found that more than a year time couldn’t heal my soul.

In February, I had to go there again to attend regional meeting. It was kind of serious because we all knew that there would be big change in the region. Only the key persons and top management attended the meeting and it was so hard to behave normal during the meeting when I was emotionally broken down. I was very sad. I was very angry. I was very lost. I felt that I was at the place where I never belonged to. But I realized that I didn’t have to have false hope which I had for more than a year. It had been done and it ended. Though I felt that I got my freedom and I found the reason to set my soul free, I still needed time. I didn’t blame to anybody for any consequences because I believe that everything happened for a reason. 

I was so lucky to make it through in Bangkok because that was the biggest mental breakdown in my life. I even cried while I was walking in the street in corporate suit. I never saw myself that down before. But I knew that I needed to do something more meaningful to my life. That’s how I decided to make my big dream come true to watch my most favorite artist’s concert in the States.

When I was getting a bit better, I faced that shocked experience during my summer vacation. It was so hard to get it over again. But after that experience, I learned very precious lesson. It’s me who kept hurting myself. It’s me who held on everything not to move on. It’s me who was living in the past. It’s me who took this precious life for granted. No one can hurt me as much as I hurt myself. No one can make me sad as much as I make myself sad. That is the reason I kept breaking down during 18 months. Once I learned that lesson, I realized that it is time to fill my mind with 100% positive thought. Not only 20%.

Because of that car crash in August, it made me to find my lost soul in September. Because of those burned out days in October, it made me took the risk to stay on the ground somehow. Due to that risk, I always keep myself to the ground. Because of those indecisive days in November, though I didn’t have any clue to do with my future, I realized what my passion was. Because of that biggest mental breakdown in February, it made me to chase after my teenage dream. Because of those scary moments in April, I realized that life is really too short not to live in the moment of present and keep the positive vibes. I even asked myself if there's something that I regret in this life. Cos I wanted to fix it before it comes to an end. But I realized that there was nothing that I regret.
All those chances that I took, all those struggles that I faced, all those moves that I made shaped me who I am today. I would regret if I didn't do it. I asked myself if I regret to go to Bali in this summer, my answer was no. If I didn't go there, I wouldn't have realized what I realized now. I am glad that I found myself and my lost soul inside my soul. No regret, just love and live the fullest.

                                                                        Amen!