Why women are so obsessed with marriage?

When you’re going to get married?

Do you have any plan to settle down and have a family life on your own?

Do not obsesses with your career and don’t be a self-centered career woman.

You’re almost 30 and if you ever think to get married, just get married before you turn 30 and have kids before 35.

If you don’t get married before 30, do not ever get married because there would be huge age gap between you and your kids.

Do not have high checklist and standard when you’re going to choose your lifetime partner.

Well, I am almost 30 and those awkward questions and suggestions are frequently asked by my friends, my colleagues, my relatives and everyone around me. I am sick of answering such kind of questions and listen to the suggestions that they offer. I know that most of my friends are worried about me not to have a good man beside me to travel the lifetime journey. I also know that the advice they give me are what they think is the best for me. But the reason of not settling down is not because of having those standard for the guys nor being too independent. The reason is I am trying to figure out who I am and what I really seek in the relationship and marriage. 

Let me elaborate a bit. When people see if a woman is still single around her 30s, they labeled her as tough-bossy-bitch who will never have a guy that she likes. The society has so many bad names to label to such kind of woman. I do not know who set up the deadline for the girls to get married. All the girls have their dream wedding picture in their heads and every girl wants to meet with their Prince Charming for sure. But no one said that we all should marry by not losing our own identity.

My colleagues thought I have checklist to choose the partner and I’ll go after a guy who completes my checklist. They were right about this at some point. When I was 25, I met a guy who met 7 out of 10 in my checklist. Tall, handsome, have a decent job, focus on his career, not a player, doesn’t drink and doesn’t smoke. But what happened to us? We found that we had different personality which we couldn’t tolerate anyone’s differences. We understood eventually that fire and water couldn’t live together and our relationship just fell apart. Though it was hard, it was good for both of us.

What I wanted to share is I forgot who I was when I was in the relationship. During first six months, the weather was kind of fine and there was no rainy day. But the longer we dated, the more I gave myself to him. I made myself available all the time when he said he was free to meet. If I said I was busy too, I thought I couldn’t see him. I didn’t know why I was doing it. When he said we should have spent our vacation at somewhere on the short notice, I complained a bit at first for letting me know on the short notice, but later I made myself available again to spend the time together. I gave 100% of me to him and he knew that. That’s the problem began. I was wishing he could see what I offered and valued the things that I did for him. Sometimes, I even pointed out what I did for him. It was not a healthy relationship. Since that was my first, I didn’t know how to handle. 

I just thought if I gave 100%, he would have given me 100% or maybe 80% to me too. I found myself frustrating and being angry most of the times when he didn’t do the same thing for me. When he focused on his career more than our relationship, I was very disappointed of seeing him busy with his work. I complained a lot and a lot. What he was doing at that time was right. He focused on his work and he was not giving discount of his time to anybody. At least, he valued himself. Me, on the other hand, rather than valuing myself, I was telling him to value me.

I have seen some of my friends also forgot to value themselves when they were dating with someone or when they were hanging out with the guys that they liked. They didn’t say what they want or what they want to be, they just played along with what moves the guys made. I have seen some of my friends ditched the girls’ union party at the last minute just to hang out with the guys they like. Even he asked to hang out at the last minute, they made themselves available and canceled all the plans that they had. Meaning they value hanging out with the guys that they like more than the time and the plan that they had. So they just gave the reason to those guys to take them for granted. I have been there. So, I knew very well how to feel like being taken for granted. 

This is why I am insisting to value ourselves. If we do not value ourselves, no one will do. If we work out at the gym, it should be because we love our bodies. If we go to spa and make ourselves pretty, it should be because we take care of our skin. If we wear beautiful dress and put the make up on our face, it is because we love to have confidence and be pretty for ourselves not for someone else.

 Everyone has their own goals and dreams to pursue and chase. Those shouldn’t be disappeared even we are in relationship or in marriage. My mom wanted to be a poet and she used to write the poems when she was in college. Her dream was to become a poet after she graduated. But she never became a poet because she married to my dad and had kids. When I was 12, I found my mom’s poems in her diary from her college days that she used to write. My mom has a very beautiful handwriting and I used to practice to have handwriting like her when I was young. I was so amused by reading her poems and her handwriting in her diary. I asked her why she didn’t send those poems to magazine or why she didn’t pursue to become a poet. She said “Well, I got married and I had to put my family more than my dream”. It hurt me to know that. I always feel sorry for my mom. She devoted herself to her family, me, my dad and my brother. 

That is why she always advised me a very useful advice. “Do not marry a guy for your living. Do not marry a guy to depend on him. Do not marry a guy who will make you feel like you’re less important than his ego and dreams”. She never pushed me to get married even I am almost 30. She never said “Hey, I want a grandkid or I want to see you having a happy family”. All she wants me to be is independent woman who makes her own living. So does my grandmother. I was raised by these two strong women and that is what I am always proud of myself.

My grandmother wanted to travel around everywhere. She lived in center of the country where transportation was not good in her times. She married at 20 and had 5 kids. But she never forgot what she wanted to do in her life. Since all the kids grew up, she told my grandfather that she wanted to travel. My grandfather is a very good gentleman who knows how to value his wife. He never said No to my grandmother whenever she said she wanted to travel alone. My grandmother once travelled to Pathein alone by taking car, ship and train. During at that time, the country was not in peaceful condition and it was not safe for a woman to travel alone. But she did and she stayed in Pathein for one month. What a wonderful woman! My grandfather can’t get enough of her because he knows that my grandma is very independent and wonderful woman. When my granny stays with us, he makes a call twice a day just to check if she is ok. Even in her 80s, my granny makes dishes and cooks the meals she likes sometimes.  I am thrilled to see my grandma’s badass spirit and when she said I was the closet human being as badass as she is, I was over the moon.

Getting a partner like my grandfather is very difficult and finding someone like him is trying to win the lottery. There are some people who are lucky to win the lottery but not every person wins the lottery. They may wish to win the lottery but they continue their work if they don’t win. Right? Simple as that. Meaning we all have to continue working on ourselves with or without a husband.

We all have grown in the very traditional society that make us believe that only a man can lead a woman and dominate the family. Those norms and customs force the women to worship their husbands and their boyfriends. When we get married, the goals that we had, the dreams that we had are not important as much as our male counterparts’. That is too sad. I am very sad to see those women who I knew very strong or independent change themselves when they get married. They never put themselves first. What their husbands’ wants, what their kids want, what their parents want, what their in-laws come first. It is not wrong to devote their life for their families. But if it is not what they want, if they have different dream, they should clarify what they want to do before they step down into marriage.

We also need to be good at our time management. We have plans we set up when we are single. For example, like travelling around the world, doing the charity works for orphans, being the CEO at the corporate world, writing the book, or owning a library at specific age that you target when you are single and those things shouldn’t be disappeared after you get married unless you change your mind. This is what we have to figure out before we step into marriage world.

It will be better if we discuss about this with our potential partner. Before marriage, both parties should discuss what they want to do in their life. If they have different priorities, they should discuss if they can let their counterpart to do what they want on their own. If so, both parties can sign on the contract. If not, well it is so easy to see that that partnership cannot work out and it is more likely to fall apart. But what I see is most of the women are scared to discuss about this with their potential partner and they want to say “whatever you like” to their male counterpart. Well, I used to be one of them before. 

In marriage, most people believe that how good they are at having sex is the most important and that is the only thing to keep marriage healthy. Well, it is right if both partners are seeking the good or the best sex. What I see here is different. It is ok to seek good or best sex when you are in relationship, but it is not ok if you are in finding the lifetime partner. I am just sharing my own perception and you all can have different opinion. What I want to say here is not to try your best in bed if you want to own someone’s mind and attention. It will never work.

I am not saying I will never get married. I really want to get married by not losing my identity. I cannot cook, I don’t want to do the house chores, I don’t want to do the laundry and it will never be me who stay at home all the time to take care of the family. Some of my girlfriends say I will never find a guy who will consider to marry me. Well, it is totally fine. It was not fine when I was at my early 20s. But it is fine when I am almost 30. I will not do something that I don’t want. I tried to change my identity and live like someone else. But I was not happy to pretend someone that I was not. So, I will live the way I want. There is no checklist to find a partner. But there is the bucket list that I want to do in my life. I was so afraid to say what I want before but not anymore. The more I found my identity, the wider the gap between me and other people. But I will never change who I am. 

I lost the ground before and I will never lose it again. There are several dreams in my head that I even wrote down in my diary and I will devote my life to those dreams. Yes, I want kids cos I love kids. But I will never try to have kids or to get married before I make sure myself that I am ready to take all those responsibilities. This is the lifetime commitment and I cannot even guarantee who I will be when I am 40. No one can guarantee that.

As the conclusion, we all should stop suggesting our girl friends to get married before 25 or 30 or whatever. Instead of that, we all should support to them to find their identities before they step into their lifetime commitment. We shouldn’t even ask when they are going to get married even they are dating with someone. It sounds like insisting to get married in a rush and this can make them to devalue themselves and tie the knot to the wrong guy. We shouldn’t be obsessed with marriage. We should be obsessed with our dreams and our goals.