I Have A Dream

It’s been such a long time that I didn’t write about the inspiration, motivation or positive vibes that makes my soul moves. I have been struggling with the life that I chose to live with. It was so difficult for me to cope with every struggle that I faced. I lost my way and I seek out the help from everyone around me. I opened up what I was struggling with the close people around me. They saw me depressing, losing my way, demotivating for more than a couple of months.

I am not shame to admit that I am emotional person who believes emotion drives motion. Everything that I have done, every move that I have made, every path that I have chosen, every decision that I have made based on my emotion, instincts and guts. I will never forget what I have dealt with during past two months. The experiences made me nothing but wiser though. 

I hate to call my friends and say “Hey, I feel something is not right, I feel like I am losing my way, I feel like I am depressing, I feel like I was wrong to take this risk, I feel like I want to quit from this job, I feel like I cannot do this anymore”. I hate to say all of those but those are the words that I kept telling to my friends during that couple of months. Something was totally wrong inside me, inside my heart. It was not only about my personal relationship; it was about everything. I never felt like I was myself. I was losing the ground.

Well, I bet every person might feel such kind of condition more than two or three times in their life. As I was losing the world for a while, all of my friends offered their advices. They shared their experiences and they tried to make me feel better. By writing this article, I would like to take the chance to say all of them that I do thank everyone who made me feel better. I am lucky to have those people around me. I am also lucky to see who are real friends that stick me no matter who I am instead of taking the advantage on friendship. 

Above of all, I knew that I was lack of inspiration to do something, to stay on the right path and to remind who I was. Since I realized that I was lack of inspiration, I started looking for it. We need to be inspired by peers, by friends, by our idols, by our dreams, by the jobs that we are doing, by the goal that we are pursuing. I lost the sight of who I was and what I wanted to become by doing the things that I was doing. I totally forgot what I wanted in life. I found myself kept blaming, demotivating, wanted to run away from all of the things, people and work. I was uninspired.

It was not easy to find my lost soul, I felt like I put the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was too tired of my emotional swings that I have been facing. Every day, I went to work without having inspiration at work, I didn’t even write my to-do list, I didn’t follow up what I had to follow up, most of the times what I did was staring at the window from my seat to the outside. I kept asking the same question several times “What did I do wrong?”. I didn’t get the answer. All I knew was I was not happy. I was dealing with my worst mentality condition. I needed help. I needed to talk with people.

Every weekend, I was sitting at my study table and looking for information about people who battled with emotional swings, depressions and failures. I read those articles but I couldn’t make myself to see the things that I didn’t see before. Since it was longer than I expected, I thought I couldn’t get it over that time. I started blaming myself, hating myself. I asked myself “Why you did that? Why you decided to live with that? Why you ran to the past and tried to live in that? Why you couldn’t get it over? Why you let them to break your soul? Why you had high hopes? Why you helped those people who you knew that they would take the advantage of you? Why you couldn’t focus on your job? Why you didn’t pay attention to your work? Why you let your emotional win over you?”

All I knew was I needed a change but I couldn’t figure out what kind of change that I needed. I didn’t even figure out what I really wanted in my life. My condition got worse in the mid of February and I almost gave up on everything.

But one day when I woke up, I realized that I needed to have a new pattern of dream, lifestyle and goals. So I asked myself what I wanted to do to make me feel better. What could make me feel alive and inspire? Since in my teenage days, there was one wish that I even wrote in my daily diary and I decided to chase that dream because I felt like it was time to start chasing the crazy dream. It is not the impossible dream, but it is the crazy and weird dream. But once I told myself that I would start chasing, I felt like I was alive again. I was so excited to do the things that would make that dream come true. I opened up about this dream to my best friend, my true soulmate in this whole world and she didn’t believe at first that I meant it. Then she realized how serious I was to make that dream happen, she was also ready on board.

When I came back from the business trip, I met with my mentor and former boss. I opened up about what I was dealing and I told him what I was thinking to get it over all of my unstable mental statement. I told him that it would be better if I tried to chase big dream which I was dreaming about my whole life. When he heard my idea, he said it was a great idea and I should have pursued it. So, I planned to do it and it made me thrilled and excited whenever I thought about it. He also helped me to make it happen and I was so lucky to meet him in my life cos he also looked for all the information that I would need in my journey to that dream.

Since I started working on making that dream come true, I feel like I am alive again. I woke up with smile on my face every morning, I listened to the happy upbeat songs when I drove to gym in the morning, I smiled more often at work and had positive vibe again because I had nothing more important thing than to chase my childhood crazy dream. I put aside all of my problems, all of my unhappy things, the personal failure and the darkest moments of my life.

I started seeing the sunshine in my darkest days and I knew that I was on the right path again. I started to feel normal and found my lost soul. I have full of energy to make it happen what I dreamed about and my whole body and my whole mindset is full of one thing. I feel more energetic than ever before and I know that I will not give up on what I want to do and what I want to make it happen. I took as the good experiences from what I had felt during my mental breakdown during past two months.

I should admit that I was inspired by Rapunzel from Tangled; Disney animation movie to chase my crazy dream.  Rapunzel dreamed to watch the lanterns outside for 18 years and watching the lanterns on her birthday is her biggest dream in her life. She wanted to know why they appeared only on her birthday every year and she took all the chance to find it out. That whole movie is all about dreams and how the young brave princess followed her dream. Since I watched that movie, I was inspired by the thought of following my dreams too.

I cannot wait the day that my crazy, weird dreams come true. I really cannot wait that day to arrive. Meanwhile, I am counting the blessings that I have and pouring myself with positive vibe every day when I wake up. We all should chase our dreams no matter how crazy they are. 

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