I Still Love You, Jenny

He sat down in his cozy bed and closed his eyes for a moment to recall some memories that his brain had deleted a few years ago. His eyes were opened slowly and his finger unlocked his phone screen again. A couple of second later, his eyes were glued to his phone screen and he forgot to breathe a while.

“You look so beautiful. Amazingly beautiful.” That’s what he said to himself. He was happy to see she was smiling and seemed so happy in the photo but his heart felt so much pain because she looked so beautiful in the white dress. The day that he was so afraid to face has finally arrived without giving him any clue. He didn’t hear that she was going to get married. He didn’t even see her photo with her boyfriend on Facebook and Instagram. He didn’t even know she was dating nor she was engaged to someone else. He only saw her photos with her friends, her vacation photos and her funny photos on social network. He didn’t prepare to see her in her wedding gown.  

He looked another photo of her and saw her standing at the end of the aisle with her groom. The wedding was at the beach and he knew that it was her dream to get married at the beach.

“Your dream came true”. He told himself again. She used to tell him all of her dreams and whenever she talked about her dreams to chase, her eyes were sparkling. He always loved her eyes, her beautiful eyes. He could recall the moment he fell for her when he saw those beautiful eyes. He looked at the groom in the photo and he confessed that her husband looked like a movie star and he understood why she fell for him. 

“I miss you baby”. Those words just came out without prior noticing and he felt hopeless once he heard his words by himself. It was true that he missed her. Not just right now, he had missed her for five years since they broke up. He was coward and stupid to let her go. His mind was messed up at that time and was not ready for her. He didn’t know which one to put the blame on. The fate? The destiny? Or the bad timing? He clearly didn’t know which one to blame.

She was the one that made his life beautiful and meaningful while they were together but he was the one who broke her heart into pieces by pieces and destructed her life. He always knew that she loved him so much. They were happy together until they realized that they had to walk the separate ways as they were not meant to be for each other. They had to fight a big war to be together and she was ready for the battle to rage on but he was not ready and scared too much that they would lose. Instead of raging the war together, he slipped her through his fingers. 

As being an introvert, he didn’t speak out how his heart was broken when she went away from his life. He just swollen those pains to himself and pretended that he was fine without her in his life. His whole world was dark when she said she was moving on. She sent the message to him that she was moving on. He wanted to say that he was still loving her and didn’t want her to go. But no word just came out and he just watched her go. The moment she went out of his life, he understood why people gave the storm after the women’s name. He regretted that he didn’t show enough how much she meant to him. He didn’t say enough how much he loved her. He didn’t care enough how much he adored her. 

He recalled their summer vacation at the beach and she used to complain when he didn’t take enough photos of her. He was not good at taking photos and she wanted him to take several photos. Then they had little fight and she was mad at him for a while. As he didn’t speak a lot, he didn’t know what to do when she was mad. He was not good at words but she was really good at words and she could write every beautiful letter to him on their anniversaries. She was way too romantic and he was such a freak. 

The only thing he did when she was mad was hugging her. He hugged her and held her tight until she smiled. She always smiled and laughed when she saw he was losing the words. She was talkative and told him several stories about her childhood, the movies that she watched, the songs that she listened to, the books that she read, the people that she met, the arguments at her work, the untold stories about her friends, the future that she had with him. The last thing was the thing that made scared him all the time when she told where they would be living. He didn’t have any clue about their future at that time. He was not sure about his future where he settled. He wanted to wander around and move around the countries. He knew that he was not good enough to make her happy and he decided to let her go until she realized that he was not the one that she was waiting for. 

That was pretty hurt to admit but it was true. He was so afraid that she would hate him when she realized that he was not the one that she used to know. He didn’t want to let her down but he didn’t have any choice. He chose to run away from her and cut her down without saying anything. He couldn’t say to her that he was leaving. He couldn’t face her teary eyes. He knew that she would cry when he cut all the connection with her. Seeing her crying was the last thing that he wanted to do on earth. He never wished to make her cry. That was why he chose to stay quiet until she said she was leaving. 

He knew that they couldn’t fix it. They didn’t have chance to say goodbye to each other. They just broke up over the message. Literally over the message that she sent. He was broken inside but he thought it was good for her. The only reason that he let her go was for her. He knew that she deserved someone better than he was. She just deserved the one that made her smile all the time.

He wished her husband made her smile and fell for her smile all the time because her smile was the most beautiful thing that he ever saw on this earth. She used to say how she wanted to have a wedding at the beach. He failed to make her dream come true. He failed to keep her in his world. He remembered how she wanted to make a wish by looking at the falling stars. He remembered how funny she was and made everyone happy around her. He remembered how she sang and danced by turning on her favorite songs and how she used to dance for him. But now he knew that she would never dance for him. 

The only thing he regretted was he didn’t have any chance to clean the mess that he made and to say sorry for breaking her heart. Whenever he was trying to say sorry, his pride and his ego stopped him to speak those words to come out. When he was too busy to make his life on the track and figuring out his future, he totally ignored her feelings. 

He tried to look other photos of her wedding on her Instagram and she uploaded the short video of her first dance with her husband. Once he clipped the video and he heard “Photograph” by Ed Sheeran, he wondered why she chose this song as her first dance at wedding. This song meant a lot to their relationship and she used to sing that song to him. By watching her first dance with another man with that song broke his heart more than ever before. She was laughing and smiling while she was dancing and when they exchanged their kiss, he locked his phone screen and he felt that the tears were coming down from his eyes. She looked happier with her husband than she was with him but he was happier when he was with her. When she was longing to make a family, have babies and make home for him, he was scared to be locked in the cage under the name of marriage. 

Now she was stepping to make a family on her own and he remembered how she used to say how she wanted to have a son like him. She loved kids a lot and she always had dreams to have kids with him. Whenever she said those words, he was so scared to take the responsibilities of the family of his own because he always wanted to fly alone. 

As he always kept everything to himself and he barely shared his feeling, his perception, his beliefs with someone else. But she was totally different from him. The more she loved him, the more she showed how he meant to her. But the more she expressed her love, the more he was afraid of commitment. Once he realized that they valued different things in life, he decided to walk away. When she spoke about marriage, he only saw himself kept in the cage. He never wanted kids and married to someone. He just wanted to have freedom. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings but he couldn’t give what she wanted. So, he made the decision to stop communicating with her after the last fight they had. She cried so hard when he said he didn’t believe in their relationship that they could make it until the end. That was the last time he saw her cried. He didn’t dare to see her beautiful eyes were full of tears. 

He knew that he was lucky dude while they were dating. She was like star who’s always shining, lighting up his world with her smile.

Everything has been said and done. He walked his way and she walked her way. He pushed her to go away from him and he knew that that was the biggest mistake that he had made in this life.

He stopped looking at his phone screen and took a moment to take long breath. Then he opened the Facebook messenger and the chat box. He clicked her name and he saw the last time she sent the message where he missed her call. That was on Christmas day and he didn’t pick up the call. Prior to missed call, she sent the long messages that she decided to move on. He tried not to read what she wrote but he read it again and those words were still breaking his heart. He took the biggest courage and wrote something that he should have written years ago. 

“Dear Jenny,

I saw your wedding photos and I wish you the best. I am sorry for what have I done to you. I wish you to be happiest person on this planet with your husband and make your dreams come true. I miss you every single day since we were apart and you are the one that I loved and I will love.” 

With so much love,

Dumbass