A Year Can Change a Person

2017 is a year full of dramatic changes in my life. When I was 23 when I sat down the job interview with one FMCG company, the interviewer asked me how long I could work in their company. My answer was five years because I would like to do something different when I was 28 and I considered 28 would be my turning point. I answered without having any clue and I didn’t expect 28 would be a real turning point for me. 

Well, this is how the story goes. I didn’t get a job in that company because when I sat down the interviewed with their managing director, he asked me how many jobs that I applied. I answered him the truth and he asked how much I knew about his company. I couldn’t say much cos I didn’t study very well about his company. Then he asked me the other company that I applied for. The interview with big telecom company happened before I sat down the interview with him. So, I studied a lot about that telco company and I told him what I knew. When I finished talking, what he said was so irrational, well at least that’s what I thought at that time. He said that I didn’t have any inspiration to work in his company but I had inspiration to work in the big telco company that I mentioned. I was so confused because my gut told me he wouldn’t recruit me. My friends were working in that company and working together with my friends was what I wanted. Well, he didn’t recruit me. HR from that company and the first interviewer from that company were surprised because I didn’t get a job. They thought I would get a job. The basic salary for a fresh graduate in that company was higher than big telco company. But I lost it. 

Since I didn’t have choice, I joined the telco company without seeing any big opportunity by perusing technology. But today, I really thank to that managing director for not recruiting me in his company. He was right. Without the inspiration, I wouldn’t be the one that I am today now.   

Anyhow, I did forget what I said in that interview that 28 would be my turning point. It happened as I said. I ended my relationship around the end of last year after dating of two years and it was so hard for me to cope with the pain. I never expected that my relationship would be ending. I always said I couldn’t survive if I broke up with my former boyfriend. But still, I am sitting on a seat beside my study table in my bedroom, writing what I experienced during a year today. So, I survived. I did survive so well. 

The pain changed a person. Yes, it made me change. I wouldn’t say I changed to be a total different person. But I would say I changed to be a better and stronger person. It took me a year to write about my absurd breakup. It was terrible. I drank every single night in December. I cried every night. My eyes were swollen and I couldn’t focus on anything that I was doing. I called every single friend that I knew to hang out with me. I asked my mom to sleep beside me because if she slept beside me, I didn’t cry. I was like a baby and wept when the sad or love song came on my car playlist. I cursed Adele for singing too many sad songs like “Someone Like you” and “Hello”. I cursed Passengers when I listened to “Let Her Go”. I cursed Ed Sheeran for singing “Photograph and All of the Stars”. I was devastated and lost my way. I lost love, I lost hope, I lost confidence, I lost happiness, I lost paradise, I lost future, I lost my dream because all of my dream was with him and I lost everything.

I almost hit two persons when I was driving the car on University Avenue road during the night. As I drove with high speed and if I hit them, I would be writing this article in the jail today now. I drank almost single night in last year December. Since that was my first relationship, I felt too much pain. My best friends were surprised because they didn’t think I would be that much heartbroken due to breakup. They told me that I was one of the strongest girls that they have ever known and they couldn’t understand the way I was broken down.

I kept telling them that I also couldn’t understand why I was broken down that much and I couldn’t understand that the way we ended our relationship. It was too ridiculous and horrible. But I promised myself to feel broken for a month and focus on building myself stronger after a month of weeping.

So, in the beginning of 2017, I joined gym and focused on building my health and stamina. My health was not in a good condition because of my lifestyle and I got easily tired whenever I walked. I couldn’t let myself to dwell in the past and cry all night. Whenever all of my friends were passing through the breakup, I was the one who helped them to get back their confidence and their life. But when it was my turn, I was completely in vain. 

But I knew that I couldn’t let myself that weak for more than a month. I had life to live on. Trust me, I read every single article about getting through the break up on internet. I also wrote down the things that would make me happy. I couldn’t wait to adapt the new hobby to pursue. I wanted to be busy all the time to get it over. I also realized that I played victim in this case. Nobody was victim. It ended because it was supposed to end.

Then I decided to accept the job offer from my former big telco company, the place where I started my career. I knew that my new job would keep me busy and I wouldn’t have time to think about the past. I realized that I didn’t read a lot for so long and I needed to read again. I used to read a lot when I was in college but once I started my career, I didn’t read that much. 

So, I looked for the books to read and I found Leanin by Sheryl Sandberg at the airport when I was about to meet with my former telco company regional CEO. I read the first chapter in the airplane just before I met with him. So when it was time to have meeting with him, I closed the deal by following the advice from the chapter one. That book changed my life forever. I learned several things from that book and whoever asked me which book that had to read, my answer was “Leanin”. It changed my perception. It made me more ambitious in my career life.

I deactivated every of my social account by hoping my former love flame would contact me. But it didn’t happen as I wished. Eventually I got back to social network to show the world how strong I was. I didn’t want anything but having the stronger version of me for the sake of my pride.

I decided to wear brace cos I wanted to have different look. It was funny because I thought I looked too ugly with brace and I didn’t upload my photo when I started wearing brace. But I got used to it later. Oh yeah, it hurt a lot. Sometimes, I didn’t know which one is more painful, my brace or breakup experience. It was not very convenient to talk and to eat in the beginning of wearing the brace. But I reminded myself to bear the pain. 

Yeah, time can heal every pain. Well, it took a year to heal every wound that I had. I have been picking up every broken pieces to build myself and it worked better than I expected. I admit that I changed my lifestyle. I hanged out with my friends at the bar after work. I also like to hang out with my team members at the bar after work too. I like to sing, so I sing. I like to dance, so I dance. One more thing, I take care of myself more than I did before because I know how to love myself, how to have self-respect. Well, if we don't know how to love ourselves, we don't know how to love someone else.

After six months of breakup, I realized that the reason that I was so painful was because I had high expectation. Shakespeare said expectation is the root of all heartache. He was right. No one broke my heart. It was my high expectation and my ego. I watched several romantic movies and always pictured me with him in every single romantic story that I watched. Since those were fairy tale, I made myself believe that our story would be ended in that way. So naïve! I didn’t know that the fairy tale could be like a snow queen from Frozen who ruled the country with her beloved sister. In real life, there is no Prince Charming who will save us from the castle, who will rage the war for us. We need to fight our own battle. We are not Cinderella. I do hope every young girl to realize that part.

It was so good that I realized that fact and I stopped watching the fairy tale movie in a year. Passengers is the only romantic movie that I watched in 2017 and I fell for it. I love every single thing about Passengers and I watched several times until now. The reason I love Passengers is I learned something from that movie. It is about destiny. We need to believe in destiny. If two people are meant to be together, the destiny will bring them together. If they are not, no matter how they tried, the destiny will make them apart. 

Once every dream that I had with him was broken, I created several dreams to chase in my life. I even wrote down what I wanted to do in the notebook.

I felt more freedom. I cared less about what other people think of me. Honestly, I don’t even give a shit now. Whenever I heard someone said something bad about me behind my back, I was like “it was what they see about me, it was not what I see about myself. What matters is what I see about myself.”

I traveled 6 times so far and I found out I was super-duper happy in every single trip that I went. No matter alone or with company, I enjoyed the moment. Among them, the solo trip to Ngapali was the most memorable one because I went there alone after I had car crush especially when I was depressed. The experience was great but I will not choose to go to beach when I am depressed.

My dream goal is to be a writer and I used to write some short stories before I started my career. Two stories have been published in the magazine and I am always proud of that. But those stories were written when I was 20. Since I created the blog, I tried to write something and share it with my friends. So, I started writing again. 

At first, I didn’t know what to write. But later I figured out I wanted to write my thought, my experiences and my perception to the world and people. So, I wrote it and “Turning 28” was a hit among my stories in 2017. When my friends said it was so great to read and I felt the happy tears came down from my eyes.

It encouraged me to write more. So, I keep writing. I found out the more I write, the more I believe in myself. I read every single day. I push myself to read every day, it doesn’t matter if it’s a quote, it’s an article or the book, I read it. Because I believe that without reading, there is no learning, without learning, there is no growing, without growing, of cos I will be dead. 

I admit that I change a lot. I am not the one that I used to be a year ago. I am more mature. I am happier. I am more confident. I am very exciting for 2018. I don’t know what it will bring for me. All I know is as long as I believe in myself, I am ready at any time to face any challenges. I was also at the crossroad to choose my career in the beginning of this year November and I am sure that I will follow my heart at any price.  There is no special new year resolution for 2018 though I had a lot in 2017. But I am sure that it is gonna be a great year for me and I am very positive about that. Oh yeah, just only one thing. I want to learn how to swim. 

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