Dark Moments In September

I always thought that September was the worst month for me in a year. The bad luck in September story began in 2014 and since then I have been suffering the bad luck even in this year September. I tried to not think of that way. But I don't know how to label about those things happened only in September. I didn't notice before. I didn't remember what happened exactly in September until 2014. 
In 2014 September, I was hospitalized and I had to cancel my long waiting travel plan to Bagan with my friends. I even passed out during the supplier visit and my health was at the lowest condition. I faced so many bad thing during that year September. In 2015, I thought September was just another month for me and no more bad luck for me. But I faced the worst luck. 

 

On September 13^th, yes. On September 13^th. I got a call and I heard that some people found out who I was dating with and it was not good for my boyfriend. I was so shocked and so sad. But wishing us the best. But on September 15^th, I heard that he was moved to another country and while I was making a call with him whether he was moved or not, he said his father passed away. I couldn’t breathe at that moment and all I thought was how could this happen to him at the same time. He had to fly to his hometown the next day to attend his father’s funeral and I went to airport so early on that day to say goodbye to him. I knew that all he need was my support. So I did. I tried to talk with him while he was in his hometown and grieving. When he came back, we both tried for him not to move to another country.

The country that he had to move was not good. I couldn’t follow him due to the other difficulties to stay there. I couldn’t visit him as well. Though we tried a lot, he moved to that country on October 10^th. I couldn’t send him to the airport because we were so afraid if someone saw us. I kept wishing and wishing all the best for him. We planned to meet once every two months. But we could only meet one time as he didn’t have to extend his visa.Well, after that thing happened, I hate September and number 13.

In 2016 September, I went vacation with him along with my friend but after I came back, everything turned out so unexpectedly and he didn’t contact me regularly. When I spoke out that I was too tired for waiting him to reply my message,  all he said was so he was. So, he told me to stop now. During that time, I was in Pattaya with my colleagues during our company’s trip and I cried so hard on that night. I tried not to contact with him and told myself that it was over. I didn’t have warm and good relationship with my colleagues at that time too. I was left alone and wandered around Pattaya alone. I was so lonely and heartbroken. 

I was too tired of our long distance relationship because I realized that it was me who always tried to keep our conversation alive. I got fatigued and so tried. But we reconciled again after two weeks and I was so happy to make it up with him on our anniversary day. That was on October 5th.  I couldn’t walk away from him as he was the one that I truly loved in my life. I pictured every stage of my life with him. It is funny to say about this now because I am sure everyone would see me that I was naïve and blind in love. 

Unfortunately, after two months, we broke up for some reasons. That is why the last time I saw him was last year September. I always asked myself how could a girl like me fall for him and fall for love. But what happened is just happened and I tried to pick all the shattered things to build myself again. It was a hard work. It is still a hard work. I realized that the heart was made with glass for the first time and it was easy to fragile. 

 

I deactivated all my social accounts for two months and secretly wished that he could contact me. But nothing happened and I moved on eventually. But still what I have learned was I was so afraid to be ignored by a person that I loved. I was so afraid to be treated so silently. Now I realized that being treated so cold and so silently was emotionally abuse which is as bad as physically abuse. If I think someone is trying to give me silent treatment, I get stay away from that person and never get close to them again. That is what happened to me now.

Well this year, though my heart was not broken, I was broken mentally and physically. I burned out recently and got depressed after I had car crush. I couldn’t stop thinking if I could have died when the taxi driver hit to my car door where I was driving. I kept blaming myself that I could have driven slow. That car crush happened when I was on the way to the party where we held with Hollywood costumes themes. So I dressed like Audrey Hepburn’s iconic dress in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”. When my car was bumped by the taxi, it was during rush hour and when I got out of the car, everyone looked at me very strangely. The traffic police came in and he didn’t say who was wrong. I sat in the car and called all of my friends that I could think of. Some thought it was minor and some thought it was major. I called my brother to come over too. I called my colleague to come as I had to leave to the party where I had to deliver the speech. I didn’t cry until I saw my colleague came to the place where the car crush happened. I wanted to cry but I controlled my tears because I had to go to the party. 

So, I left to the party and delivered the speech. I apologized everyone for being late and left the event after I delivered the speech. I had to go to the police station with that dress and talked with the taxi driver and the policemen. I had never been to the police station with such kind of situation. The taxi driver who bumped into my car seemed so poor and he looked too worried. When the policeman decided that he had to pay for my car repair, I was relief slightly but I knew that the taxi driver couldn’t afford it. He only could pay half of the repair fee.

As the event was still ongoing, I headed to the event place by driving my car after I dealt with the case at the police station.  My car looked very devastated and I even drove that car when I went back to home. I drove that car to the office the following day. But when I arrived office, I broke down the tears. I couldn’t think of anything but I could have died. 

Then my long depression started again. I had to prepare the plan for next key new product and I didn’t pay enough attention to it. All I felt was weak. I couldn’t sleep well too. So as the result, I got allergies on my face and body. I got more depressed when I looked myself in the mirror. I looked too weak and too nervous. I lost confidence. I always considered myself as a confident and strong person. But during that moment, I never felt myself. I felt like someone else. 

I decided to go to Ngapali alone to find myself and build up my confidence. Then I went to Ngapali alone but what I found was I needed someone to stay with me at least I could talk to him or her. I realized from my trip that I needed to open up my feelings and emotion especially when I was depressed. I couldn’t sleep at night as I was afraid of my over thinking. 

Traveling alone is so nice and it is the best thing that ever happened to me. I owned my time and I could do whatever I want. But I realized that I wanted some company at some point. Going there alone was not easy for me because all I saw was the memories from the past. I used to go there with my ex and my friends too. I used to write my ex’s name on the sand and I even took the photo. So, I found myself that I almost wrote his name when I was about to write something on the sand. So, I wrote it off and wrote something new. 

Before I went there, I talked about this trip with some of my friends and they advised me not to go there because of conflicts in Rakhine state. But I told myself if I couldn’t conquer my fear, I couldn’t move forward. So I fled there alone. When I checked in at the Yangon airport, the girl from check in counter gave me the ticket and I didn’t look at it. I requested her to arrange my seat beside the window and she said I could get it as there was not so many passengers today. I was frightened a little bit when I heard there was not so many passengers on the plane. 

Before I was getting on the plane, I looked at my ticket and found that my seat number was 13D. I was thrilled to see that number because I hate September and I hate number 13. I was wishing there’s gonna be someone who sat beside me but it turned out that no one sat beside me and no one was at the other side too. I tried a lot to chill my fear.

Once I landed, I forgot my fear because what I saw was clear sky and sunshine. It was several days in Yangon that I couldn’t see the sunshine. When I saw clear sky and sunshine along with beautiful sea, I was so happy at that moment. I will never forget how did I feel at that moment. When I arrived hotel, I found that I could see the sea through my room and I was super happy again. Unfortunately, I had to attend the con call meeting at 1 PM and I still had to prepare some materials for the meeting. Even in the meeting, all I thought was to wear bikini and swim. So after the meeting was over, I went to the sea and shouted alone myself cos no one was there. 

I went around the beach with the books and sun block in my hands. During the sunset time, I took a spot where I could see the sunset very well. Then I looked at the sunset by sipping the cocktail. While I was sipping the cocktail, the memories from the past came into my mind like a movie. I tried to kick away but they stayed longer than I expected. The sunset at the beach was so amazing and I had never seen such kind of sunset before in my life. I was being blew away by that beautiful sunset. 

When the sun went down, I went into the hotel room. Once I came into the room, I wanted to cry suddenly. I missed my mom, I missed my friends, I missed my ex. Due to the rainy season, not so many people came to the beach and as usual, Ngapali is the quietest beach in Myanmar. So, it was normal that I felt so lonely at the moment that I went into my hotel room. I took shower and I went out again to have dinner at nearby restaurant. 

After having dinner, I went into the room again. I thought about walking alone at the beach at night but I was so scared to death of walking alone. I knew that I would cry if I stayed alone without talking to anyone. So, I made a call to my friends and we talked for a while. One of my friends recently went to Malaysia and Bangkok alone and he shared his experiences. It was nice to talk with someone who have done such kind of thing before. After we hanged up, I turned on TV and drank wine. I heard the French couple laughing at the balcony sometimes and I told myself not to be so afraid as I was surrounded by human. I turned off the TV for a while just to listen to what they said. I was even thinking to say Hi to them. But the language they were talking were French and I decided not to talk as I was sure I couldn’t talk with them for more. 
 

The French girl was laughing so hard sometimes and I was thinking that she was too lucky to laugh at her boyfriend’s jokes. You know, if someone felt so lonely, they thought everyone else was lucky but not themselves?
Before I slept, I was thinking what if someone broke the glass and came into my hotel room and raped me. What if I saw some faces in the mirror but not my face? What if this hotel room was haunting? I thought about so many things. During day time, my life was perfect but I was afraid to stay alone during night time. 

I didn’t have good sleep as usual. I only fell asleep at 6 AM in the morning when I saw the light outside. I opened the curtain and fell asleep. When I woke up, I went to restaurant and had breakfast. 

Then I decided to swim in the sea. I cannot swim but I wanted to swim in the sea as the sea was so beautiful and peaceful. After having breakfast, I went out to swim. I was laughing, speaking alone and shouting. That moment was the moment that I felt I was like Tom Hanks from Cast Away. I thought like he must have been very lonely on the island cos no one was beside him. While I was swimming, the another foreign couples came into the sea and I thought I had company now. The boy always took the picture of his girlfriend’s movement and he was telling her what to do. 

Then I flashed back what happened when I came to Ngapali with my ex a few years ago. He barely took the picture of me and I always complained for not taking picture of mine. Later of our relationship, I was the one who took the picture of him and took the snapshot of him as well. I thought like she was too lucky too cos she had someone who took the picture of her movement. She was posing a lot on the beach and I was staring at them like a third wheel. That sounds funny. 

At the afternoon, I ordered the food to my room and I had lunch in the balcony of my room. I tried to write about my experience but no word came out of my mind. So, I closed my laptop and read a book. The book that I was reading was “Option B” by Sheryl Sandberg. I love her first book “Lean In” and it made me change all of perception about career belief. Her second book “Option B” is about how she coped with her loss. She lost her husband in 2014 suddenly and she wrote about how to find the happiness again after the big loss. Her second book is as amazing as her first book and I love it. 

At the evening, I enjoyed the sunset again at the beach. I took camera and captured every moment of sunset. Before the sun totally went down, I walked alone on the beach again. I saw the kids running and playing around, I found myself thinking of building the sandcastle with my kids. Yes, with my kids!!! I wanted to have kids at least two before a year ago. I even thought about the names that I wanted to give to my kids. Summer for my daughter and Justin for my son. Yes, the name Justin comes from my favorite artist Justin Timberlake. I even wanted twin sometimes. But after seeing how my friends build their lives balance after having kids, the thought about having kids just vanished. 

When the night came in, I went to my room and tried to pass the lonely night. I couldn’t stop thinking of going back to home during the night. I drank wine and watched TV. I read about traveling solo on the web and saved the quotes about it in my phone. I even thought about other places that I wanted to go solo though I was afraid to stay alone at the night in hotel room.

After I came back from Ngapali, I got back to work. The situation at work couldn’t get any better. I burned out twice and got blames by others. I went to hospital to check my ovary cyst situation and when the specialist told me that I needed to have the operation, I was super freak out. I was afraid to have the operation. 

I had an important project planning on the other hand and I couldn’t focus on that planning. I didn’t have enough human power in my hand at that time and I was surrounded by lack of confidence and insecurity. That was too bad. When I had meeting with my management team for the next project planning, I said nothing about the plan cos I didn’t know that plan very well. They blamed and blamed and blamed. After the meeting, my mentor from SEA region sent the message that she expected a lot on me and she was not happy about my current situation. She said she thought I could lead the team and executed everything in good way. So, I explained why I broken down and she understood my current situation. She said she was sorry to hear about me and to overcome everything together. 

I was happy to get this kind of message from her. She was famous for her bossy character but still she was so great at empowering the women. That’s what I liked about her. We set up the meeting again and I did make a great come back during that meeting and secured the budget for next project. 

But still I couldn’t cope with my job pressure and stress and my worry about my health. I thought everything would get better after my trip but everything got worse before the end of September. During my second time burn out, I asked for resignation. I didn’t have any plan for next step. All I knew was I wanted to escape.

Now it’s October. I do hope everything will get better. I feel a lot better now as well. I chose to stay at home and take full rest during the holidays. I found myself planning for my next step and I am looking forward to the bright future. After the storm, I feel like myself again and I found my strength again.